Monday, January 25, 2016

Trying my best..........

This is going to be a real, honest, and painful post. If you aren't up for it, don't read on.

I'm failing as a mother. No, I don't mean that I'm not a good Mom, or I don't love my kids because I do and I know that I am a good Mom. But that doesn't change the hurt and pain I am currently feeling in my heart because of the struggles my kids are going through.

My teen, the wonderful girl who made me a Mom, is struggling with generalized anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder. She is struggling, and at the moment she is losing that battle. She goes to counseling weekly (some weeks twice a week), she takes her medicine and yet she's not getting better. Some days we get a glimpse of our smiling happy girl.... but not often.  Most days it seems like she is getting worse.
She feels like a failure because she can't do what other kids her age are doing.... most days now she can't even bring herself to leave the house. She was switched to online schooling in an effort to help with her anxiety and she is doing okay in her classes. She was supposed to be in Band at the local school and as the school year has continued she has gone fewer, and fewer days. The Band director loves her, but he's about to fill her slot with another student.... I don't blame him for that. He has been patient for a long time, but has to consider the other students in the band. This is huge for her.... the feeling that she is letting them all down. That she is letting us down.
We tell her every day that we love her, that we are proud of her, that eventually things are going to improve for her.... I have to believe in my heart of hearts that they will.

I'm failing as a mother because I can't fix this for her.... Now, I know that is a completely irrational thought. This is beyond me, it's chemistry in her brain and nothing I have done as her Mom has caused this, nor can I really do much to help her beyond support her.

I am trying my best.... but this is hard. I doubt everything I am doing for her at this point. I question every decision I have ever made as her Mom.... looking for where I failed, how it got this bad.

The good news is, she asked for help. The good news is, she's getting help. The good news is, that even though things are bad right now.... she's still here. She's still talking, she's still breathing.

She had a lot of plans when she found out where the Army was moving us next, to graduate early and start college in the fall. I don't see that happening right now.... I forsee her moving with us, or if she is really that strongly objecting to the new location living with someone else in the family while she finishes up her last 6 months of school. I pray that I'm wrong..... I want her to succeed.
I want my daughter back.... I want to help her and I can't. This is a journey that only she can make.... and it sucks beyond belief to sit and watch her suffer.

I will keep trying, and keep loving her along.... This isn't easy, on a day to day it's a battle. This on top of the other's girls issues and Grad school for me may make me crazy some days. I find myself in tears on the phone with my closest friends as they remind me yet again that I am not a failure, that she is going to be okay.... I hear their words and I believe them for a time. Then I need to be reminded again.

If you have a friend who is struggling as a parent, or see a teen who seems lost along the way.... don't judge. You have no idea what their day to day life is like.... just because it looks like they have the perfect life doesn't mean they do. They are human and broken, just like we all are.
TO my friends who are there.... know that I love you and you are a lifeline to me in this battle for my daughter. Thank you for that.

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