Friday, December 31, 2010

New Year's Eve.... a look back

2010 has been an interesting year for all of us.
I started the year off looking for a job, and ended it one semester into nursing school.  I found out I was iron anemic and spent a day in the hospital getting a blood transfusion, now I go in for iron every two months.  Karah started school in August, and she loves Kindergarten.  Tessa is as tall as me, and thinks she's grown some days. She has been a great helper this year and seems to have come into her own.  Sammie and Karah both started in LEAP this year, so two more gifted kids.
It's nice being near family this year, although we still don't have enough time to see them as much as we want.
We got to have Noel this summer for a few weeks, and Misty and the boys came up for a visit.  Then we took Noel and our girls and went to Myrtle Beach to visit George and his clan.
Nursing School is hard and I count the days till vacation when it's in session but it is so worth it!  I can't wait to finish.
Let's see what else...
Sammie was diagnosed with Scoliosis this year.  She has two curves in her spine but they are less than 12% so the regular doctor didn't want to do anything.  I am having her seen by a chiropractor though in hopes that we can avoid a brace or surgery as she grows up.
Jim is moving into a different position in the unit. Retention and EO guy... so more paperwork and less teaching.

Biggest event of the year... I found my biological father a week before Christmas on the internet.  I hadn't really planned to look but I am so glad I did.  Charlie (Pops) seems like a great person and really interested in our lives.  It will be an adjustment for all of us to have someone who cares from my side, but nice.  I'm hoping to meet him over spring break and then the girls can meet him in the summer.

So overall a good year yet again... Lots of blessings to outweigh the bad or sad.  Thank you God for blessing us and continuing to watch over us..

Happy New Year alll...........

Friday, December 24, 2010

Morning Musings

Woke up to a snow covered morning with more falling.  Beautiful day.....


Encrusting
Crystallized
Frozen in a moment
unable to move
sparkling prisms
covering every surface
making the ugly
new and pretty
Hiding the surfaces
sharp angles and all
Beauty covers and hides
Freezing, falling
crystals of light.
hn

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Emotions colliding
Flying, screaming
Joy, anger
Despair
wrestling
tussling
jumping for
attention
striving for the top
for control
domination
Queen of all
till the slide happens
and it begins again.
hn

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Poetry

I miss writing...  It's been a couple of years since I have really spent any time writing.  I was looking through some of my old poetry today looking for the one I wrote for Mom's memorial service.  I miss writing, the whole process.  I think I need to try and make some time for that in my life... Thank God I love to create things with my hands or my words.


Discovery
Secrets no more
Hiding the truth, leads to lies
Pain, hurt, discontent...
Who does it help to hide
Who does it hurt
The price is too high
the cost too deep.
Truth is pain they say
Truth is freedom
Being real
No lies, no subterfuge
just open, honest
at all costs.
Breathe deep
inhale
live.
hn

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Almost Christmas....

and I still have so much sewing to do!  My life events have been consuming my time and energy and Karah is sick (Tessa too).  I'm worried that Karah's junk will turn into Pneumonia again (it sounds kind of like it did last year before the bout with Pneumonia).

Yesterday was a strange day...  I am still talking to Charlie, exchanging bits of history getting to know one another and it's nice.  I can see why Mom loved him.  I got a little frustrated last night, because even with exchanging all these bits of info... there will be things I will forget to tell him that don't seem important until he doesn't know (does that even make sense).  

G took the news really well, and agreed with me that I should tell the others face to face.  They will need reassurance and the best way to give that to them is to do it face to face.

On another weird twist I called my Dad yesterday.  Tessa wanted to talk to him.  It was a brief conversation... I think she just needed to hear his voice.  He told me that my emails woke him up and he is going to do better.  I told him I will believe it when I see it.  The little girls wouldn't talk to him... and I didn't make them.  They don't know who he is and that is due to his lack of contact.

I didn't tell him about Charlie... two reasons
1.  I really don't think it's any of his business.  No disrespect intended towards him, but Charlie is my biological father and I want a relationship with him.
2.  I don't want him to have a sudden interest in the girls and me just to compete with Charlie.  You know marking his territory type thing.  

Do I think he is actually going to change???  No, absolutely not.  I think he feels bad and a little lonely because it's Christmas time so he wants to make an effort right this minute.  I think within a month or two (if not sooner) he will drift back out of our lives.  Time will tell and if he is really sorry and wants to be involved only time will tell that too.... 

Well off to the doctor with Tessa and then home to hopefully get some sewing done....

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Sleepy today

which isn't surprising...  Tessa broke out in hives last night.  She had a small bout of them yesterday during the day which I thought was maybe caused by a bug bite but they went away with Benadryl.
I went to bed around 11 and she woke me up at 12... Her whole wrist area on the left was swollen and blanched almost up to her elbow and her right hand had hives all over it too.  I gave her two benadryl and rubbed some caladryl lotion on it.  It took two hours but they went down enough that they weren't itchy and she finally fell asleep.
Not an hour later Karah was up not feeling well, she thought she was gonna be sick.  One of those nights...

Now it's 7:30 and I'm up drinking coffee.  Heading out to brave the stores today and pick up that last present and some candy.  I'm gearing up for the craziness.

I talked to the brother closest to us in age about Charlie last night.  He hadn't ever expressed any anger towards him and I'm not big on secrets so I went ahead and called him so I didn't need to worry so much about what I said on FB.  He is okay with it...  His actual comment was that he was happy that M and I have someone who actually cares if we are alive or not.  Which makes me feel bad for him, but it's okay.  I reminded him that regardless of Dad he does have 4 siblings who care what happens to him.
I decided I will talk to the older two about having Charlie back in my life when we go up there in January.  I just don't like secrets so although I know that it might cause drama, I'm just gonna suck it up and tell them.  It really isn't there business but I do talk to them regularly and it's akward to try and keep something from them that to me is a huge thing.  Not to mention with the girls all knowing that Grampa Charlie exists, I would much rather they here about it from me.  G said that if they have a problem with it they need to just get over it.

The girls seem happy about having a third grandfather.  A little puzzled about why they are just hearing about him now, but okay with it overall.  Their responses ranged from Cool to can I write him a letter.

Well I'm off to finish my coffee and check the sale ad for Target for toy ideas...

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Strange things are happening to me....

sorry, that song is stuck in my head from Toy Story..

So, since none of my brothers read my blog and I don't have to worry about hurt feelings and drama I can say it here....

I found my biological father on FB on Wednesday, I never expected to find him.  I tried once years ago I even paid for a 1800 US Search to find him and didn't.  I got an old address for him that wasn't good but knew he was at least alive.

My brother asked me for his name again on Wednesday so I did a quick google search to verify the last name (I was always confusing two names and didn't want to give him the wrong one).  Low and behold it popped up a FB profile for him.

I contacted him and instead of telling me to get lost (which is what I kind of expected) he has been very forthcoming.  It seems that he stayed away out of respect for Mom's wishes and that he has always missed us (this goes along with Mom's explanation one of the few times I got her to talk about C).  I am feeling pretty good about this development in my life, although still nervous.

I told Tessa this morning about him, she knew that Dad wasn't my biological father, but nothing more.  Today she knows what he looks like and is a little excited although a little scared too.  Wondering if he is going to want to be a part of her life or not.  I told her we were taking it slow for now, trying to keep anyone from getting hurt.  I explained that was why I wasn't telling her little sisters but she is big enough to understand somewhat.

I haven't posted about it on my FB because I don't want to hurt my other brothers.  I love them all very much, I don't look at finding Charlie as taking anything away from my life but as an adding to it.  I feel like it happened in God's time (since it wasn't anything I planned on doing) and am just letting things go where they go.  I also really feel like Mom would have been okay with it, especially since she is no longer here to deal with any fall out from it (meaning with Dad).  I am worried about how the boys will take it, and don't really plan on discussing it with them.  I won't lie to them about it but the last we discussed it there was a lot of anger there.  Since it doesn't affect their lives I am choosing not to share this with them for now.

So that is what has been going on here the last few days... It's complicated, and messy somewhat, but good.  I am considering telling the one brother I think would understand and be okay with it but am not sure.  I am hoping things continue to go as well as they are.  It would be nice to have Charlie as a part of my life and the girls lives I think.  Maybe meet someday...

We shall see but needed to get it out there somewhere....

Thursday, December 16, 2010

No spin class today

had a minor bout of food poisoning or something last night so I decided not to go.  Ended up being a good thing because schools were canceled due to icy roads (sounds like it's icing again right now).

Have some weird but good I think stuff going on right now, but not ready to blog about it.  Too public :)

Girls are doing well and we are baking Christmas cookies.  Talked to two of my four brothers today which is always nice.  Now if I can just manage to get all my Christmas sewing done with the girls around will be interesting.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Gingerbread Army

Yes, that really does say that :)
I am baking up a Gingerbread Army today.  Sammie needs 20 for LEAP party on Wednesday so I decided to bake enough for all three girls regular classess too.  Once you are making a batch it isn't that big of a deal to triple it.... I say that now.

Went to a new class this morning called Hard to Resist... It most certainly was hard.  I got a great work out from it though.

Still on track... Still planning that half marathon, have a friend from here who says she will do it, and a friend from KS who says she will meet me there.  We shall see...

The van no longer has heat, so I'm gonna have to find the money to pay for a car repair... Fun stuff

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

7 December 2010

I did spin class again today...  I made it through the whole hour, and still didn't fall off the bike. :)  My friend from nursing school who said she was gonna meet me didn't show.  That's okay though, because had I not planned to meet someone I'm not sure I would have gone.  Really wasn't feeling like going today... so I promptly texted two other friends to meet me at spin.  One came...

I also took the time to drive the loop that is our road...  Jim was correct it is longer than I thought.  It is 1/2 mile around.  So... I need to be able to do the loop 26 times by June.  It also means Jim and I ran/walked 2 miles on Saturday morning.

Feeling so grateful to God today that I am well enough to start to run, and to exercise and take care of this body he has provided for me.  I just feel so very, very blessed.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Spin Class

Really that does say Spin Class... My lovely friend Christine teaches one and I have been meaning to try it out for awhile.  Today I made it, even though I was stuck in traffic at the gate for 45 min!  She was late too and no one else showed (traffic I'm sure).  So I got to have a mini spin class (only 30 min) for just me to try it out...

I DEFINITELY worked up a sweat.... It was fun, I had a good laugh at myself for being uncoordinated (standing up and riding the bike is a little hard).  My bottom is sore, and so are my legs a little...

Do I think I will go again... yeah, probably (although we will see how I feel tomorrow).  I think it will be AWHILE before I can do the whole spin class hardcore, but the good thing is you can do your own pace, if it's too hard or whatever you just modify it for yourself.
Christine assures me that the soreness down there goes away after about two weeks worth of spinning... again, we will see.

God is good...  I feel blessed again today and I'm gonna keep on with my thing.  I need to finish putting up the groceries, finish Tristan's present and then clean the bathrooms.  :)  Hoping that I will have time to start painting the lower half of my living room today but first things first....

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Nursing School Break...

and I am loving it.  Doing decent on my daily bible reading, not perfect but consistent.

Deep cleaned the living room today, all those nooks and crannies and dusting no one else bothers to do.  Decorated the outside railing in front of the house, set up an online calender thing.

Now for the crazy, insane part....
I have decided to register for the Hospital Hill Half Marathon in Kansas City in June.  Ever since I had my surgery I have wanted to start running and ultimately run a marathon.  Started training for a 5k about a week before nursing school started.  That was a mistake, no time to set a routine before my schedule went crazy....

Decided since I have the next 6 weeks off school (well nursing school anyway) I have time to establish a habit of running...

Tied my shoes on today... and while it was a pathetic run for anyone who runs I'm proud of myself anyway.  Went out for about 15 min total with 30/30 intervals as my plan.  I made it for about 10 min at 30/30 intervals and then walked the last 5.  I couldn't do anymore running intervals cause my legs felt like jelly.  It's a good place to start though.  I have PLENTY of time to work up to the 13 miles.  As a side note, my goal isn't to run the whole 13 miles (although if I do that is great)... my goal is just to FINISH.

I also signed on for a 100 push up a day challenge for the month of December, you can break them up into segments so you will see me doing lots of push ups this month.  Here's to the month of December... lots of time to focus on the things I have been neglecting due to nursing school.... :)